October 15th- Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day
I can't believe it's been eight and a half years since my miscarriage. The pain doesn't sting like it used to. I can breathe through my discomfort when my emotions rise up thinking about my little Lily Daniella and the whole experience surrounding that loss and subsequent actions to become pregnant again. Now, all these years later, I find my miscarriage as a blessing. It revealed to me the reality that maybe I did not really want to have children. GASP! I know, I know, how unwoman-ly of me! LOL. My mother wound goes deep, stemming from my childhood and strained relationship with my mom. I always worried if I'd be a good mom and if I ever was one, I would definitely make different choices than my mom.
I have grown so much from this experience and the experience of using medical interventions. I am no longer angry or bitter from this experience. I just feel gratitude. Grateful for the experience and the journey that I have been on since that time in my life. I am no longer envious of pregnant women or women with babies. I can say congratulations to friends and really mean it when they share pregnancy announcements. And I continue to smile and interact with small children and babies whenever I see them. It's good to be kind to children so they know there are good people in the world who wish them no harm.
After experiencing a great loss, it feels as if that pain will never go away and it will always be there right under the surface. I'm happy to say after suffering many tragedies in my life, my emotions no longer hold me hostage. I am free to experience the range of human emotions and allow them to move through me, understanding that I do not need to attach to them or become them. This was a huge lesson for me that I value greatly. I've been able to free myself from staying stuck in yucky emotions. I can breathe, I can write, I can meditate, I can practice yoga, or be of service to someone when I feel this way. I don't have to stay stuck.
Another eye-opener I experienced was regarding the questions we ask newly married couples. I never thought certain questions were invasive or rude until I began to experience them myself. I learned it's rude to ask people their plans on starting a family. It's no-ones business whether two people choose to pro-create or not; stay out of other people's bedrooms! We think we are being friendly and inquisitive to spark conversation, but what it really is, is an invasion of privacy. What if someone in that partnership is unable to have children due to a disease or condition? What if they have decided to not have children. Sometimes it's a personal choice and sometimes it's not. In my case, it went from wanting to have children, experiencing a loss, trying to become pregnant through medical intervention (3 IUIs), to accepting whatever plan the Universe has for us.
Currently, I am grateful for what we have and where we are in life. We have each other, Bettie, and lots of love. I always reflect on my journey, especially during this month of October being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. The lessons I have learned and the wisdom I have gained are all part of my journey in this life. My suffering on this life journey has been healed by my ability to accept the things I cannot control and to do something about the circumstances that I can change, like my attitude and perception.
To whomever is on a journey to become a mother. I am here for you. I understand the struggle and whatever is meant to be, will be.